Ecological One-Upmanship

Thanks to Al Gore’s incessant brow-beating, we all now have to be diligent about reducing our “carbon footprint.” Whatever that is. In this new era of heightened global and political awareness, it's nearly impossible to get laid without evincing some active sympathy for the plight of the environment. Especially those baby polar bears clinging to melting iceberg fragments. Have you seen the photos? Devastating. Baby polar bears are super cute, even though everyone knows that their little hearts are full of murder. Anyway, towards this end, I’ve decided to do my part and buy a kegerator.

For those of you who don’t subscribe to All About Beer Magazine, a kegerator is a small refrigerator which cools and dispenses beer from a keg. It’s clearly the best way to enjoy draft beer from the comfort of one’s home.

Beer is a justifiably popular adult beverage. From Kingston to Kuala Lampur, beer is beloved the world over. Well, maybe not in Qatar. The average U.S. citizen consumes 21.6 gallons of beer per year. That increases to 29 gallons per year if you live in Australia and 41 gallons if you reside in the Czech Republic. That’s a lot of beer. Obviously, much of this beer is stored in bottles and cans which are either thrown away or need to be recycled, a process that requires a substantial expenditure of energy. This increases global carbon emission which, in turn, makes Baby Al Gore cry.

The kegerator provides an elegant solution to this environmental dilemma. Thanks to their sturdy design, kegs can be reused a nearly infinite number of times, requiring only a simple cleaning after each use. If you must continue to drink beer while our Earth is in peril, and I must, confining oneself exclusively to draft beer is the most ecologically sound alternative.

It’s little sacrifices like this that really set one apart in the fiercely competitive game of ecological one-upmanship that all self righteous people must participate in. For instance, when I’m at a party, I will now approach strangers who I see drinking beer from bottles or cans and say, “Oh, you still drink beer from a bottle? Dude, that kind of sucks. Don’t you know how bad that is for the environment?” I will then deliver a short lecture on how their beverage decisions are thoughtless and destructive and then conclude by saying, “So….yeah……you’re welcome.” They might be irritated at first, maybe even violent, but I’m pretty sure that they’ll thank me later. And even though I don’t really understand what carbon is or why it hates our Earth, I can now feel good about myself for helping to save the planet and for being better than other people. Thanks kegerator!

Although our world is getting warmer by the minute, I still expect my beer to be icy cold. You’re welcome, Earth.

You've Been Left Behind

Apparently, the posthumous message delivery industry is getting more competitive by the second. Just when I was starting to get used to the inherent creepiness and inanity of PostExpression.com, here comes You’ve Been Left Behind. At YouveBeenLeftBehind.com, you can leave important messages for your loved ones which will be delivered after you have been taken away by Jesus in the “Rapture.” Their business motto is “Because ‘no one knows the day or hour.’”

This is their mission statement:

"You've Been Left Behind gives you one last opportunity to reach your lost family and friends For Christ. Imagine being in the presence of the Lord and hearing all of heaven rejoice over the salvation of your loved ones. It is our prayer that this site makes it happen."

Huh. I still don’t really get it. Luckily, the website menu has a helpful section simply titled “WHY:”

"Why? We all have friends and family who have failed to receive the Good News of the Gospel. The unsaved will be ‘left behind’ on earth to go through the ‘tribulation period’ after the ‘Rapure.’ [Ed. Note – I too prefer to use air quotes when referring to the ‘Rapture.’] You remember how, for a short time, after (9/11/01) people were open to spiritual things and answers. (We are still singing ‘God Bless America’ at baseballs’ seventh inning stretch.) Imagine how taken back they will by the millions of missing Christians and devastation at the rapture. They will know it was true and that they have blown it. There will be a small window of time where they might be reached for the Kingdom of God. We have made it possible for you to send them a letter of love and a plea to receive Christ one last time. You can also send information based on scripture as to what will happen next. Each fulfilled prophecy will cause your letter and plea to be remembered and a decision to be made. ‘Why’ is one last chance to bring them to Christ and snatch them from the flames!"

Allegedly, the website used to have a section which dealt with the infernal intricacies of post-“Rapture” probate courts:

"You will also be able to give them some help in living out their remaining time. In the encrypted portion of your account you can give them access to your banking, brokerage, hidden valuables, and powers of attorneys' (you won't be needing them any more, and the gift will drive home the message of love). There won't be any bodies, so probate court will take 7 years to clear your assets to your next of Kin. 7 years of course is all the time that will be left. So, basically the Government of the AntiChrist gets your stuff, unless you make it available in another way."

This is a really sensible point. The very same thing happens if you are stranded on an uncharted desert isle for 7 years or more. A court eventually declares you legally dead and out come the vultures to cart away your cherished belongings while you vainly attempt to construct a radio out of coconuts and seaweed. That’s why it’s always best to leave detailed instructions about the disposition of your wealth with a trusted agent or, in this case, a group of anonymous strangers professing to be Christians who run a weird internet business that provides vague promises of "encryption" for your sensitive financial date. You know, in the event of your disappearance, righteous or otherwise. That’s just smart planning.

As great as it all sounds, this business model is clearly not intended for people in my demographic. I’m pretty sure that if the “Rapture” does come, I will be one of the people who have been “left behind.” I believe this for a number of reasons, one of them being that if I were to leave a message for my friends and family on You’veBeenLeftBehind.com, it would probably look something like this: “What’s up now? Guess who loves me more than He loves you? That’s right: JESUS! See you later. Actually, I probably won’t see you later. So long, suckers!” That’s not very Christian.

Being “left behind” is kind of the cosmic equivalent of being picked last for kickball. I imagine that I might feel a little disappointed. Maybe even hurt. That being said, if all of the people who own bumper stickers that say things like “In Case of Rapture, This Car Will Be Unmanned” were to suddenly disappear from the Earth, I would probably be more grateful and relieved than frightened. And then I would steal the cars owned by those people.

Watch: Blondie -"Rapture"

The Best Movie of the Year ("Dubya" is for Wonderful)

I have poor expectation hygiene. About three or four times a year, I pre-select a film which I recklessly decide will be the best film of that year. This is usually based on scant evidence like the look of a trailer or an early press release. I then proceed to tell everyone who will listen about my theory. “Watch out! This is going to be the best fucking movie of 1998! Seriously.” And I am always, always wrong. Until now. This time is going to be different. I can feel it.

At this very moment, Oliver Stone is shooting what will most likely be an unintentionally comic biopic about the 43rd President of the United States, tersely titled W. Josh Brolin, who knows a thing or two about growing up under crushing expectations and the delicate torture of standing in the shadow of a more impressive father (Oh, James Brolin, he’s such a ROCK) has been cast as “The Decider." Principal filming began just last week. They don’t have a Dick Cheney. A tentative release date is set for this October, coinciding with the 2008 Presidential Election. Did I mention that Oliver Stone is directing? What could possibly go wrong?

The Hollywood Reporter recently released an early draft of the screenplay, written by Stanley Weiser (who also wrote Wallstreet), which was initially titled Bush. Here is a partial transcript:

EXT. TEXAS RANGERS STADIUM – ARLINGTON, TEXAS – DAY

GEORGE W. BUSH, early forties, polo shirt, slacks, stand in center field, looking up at the empty stands, waiting for the fans to arrive, the game to begin. There is a look of supreme contentment on his face. This is his stadium, the place in the world where he feels most comfortable.

The ROAR OF THE FANS COMES UP as a DISEMBODIED VOICE intones:

VOICE
And now the 43rd President of the United States, George W. Bush

Slowly, George W. Bush raises his arms, as if to conjure the crowd.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. WHITE HOUSE – OVAL OFFICE – DAY – JAN 2002

ON CHIEF PRESIDENTIAL SPEECH WRITER, boyish 40’s, talking to 2ND SPEECHWRITER.

CHIEF SPEECH WRITER
“Axis of hatred?” I don’t know. Something about
it just…………..misses.

Seated around a table, BUSH and his inner circle: VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY, KARL ROVE, fifties; pudgy, CONDI RICE, her assistant, STEPHAN HADLEY, bespectacled, late 40’s.

ROVE
(pipes up) Well, then what about “Axis of unbearably odious?”

Bush, intent, Scowls at him.

BUSH
Don’t get cute, Turdblossom. (Nickname for Rove)
This is serious.

CHIEF SPEECHWRITER
What about…..”Axis of Evil?”

Bush thinks for a moment.

BUSH
“Axis of Evil.” I like the ring of that. That’s it.

RICE
But Mr. President, how are we going to tie them all together?
It’s not like they’re Germany, Italy and Japan – who were on
the same side.

HADLEY
Yeah, they’re not aligned with each other.

ROVE
Who gives a shit? It plays.

BUSH
They may not be aligned. But they’re threats
to our security. Iran and Iraq is trouble next door
to trouble. And they have to know that this President
is telling them they’ve got a problem. With us.

RICE
Still, I think the Iranian people could take offense in being
lumped together with the Iraqis and North Koreans. After
all, they have a president who is democratically elected.

HADLEY
(nods agreement)
Could send the wrong message to the democracy movement, sir.

BUSH
No, Hads, you don’t get it. Khatami along with the students,
the reformers, they’ll understand. They want Freedom. It’ll give
legitimacy to their struggle against the hardliners, the deadenders,
the Ayatollah Cockamamies. Iran stays in.

Rove opens a bottle of non-alcoholic beer for the President. Cheney finally chimes in.

CHENEY
Anyone can go to Baghdad. Real men go to Tehran.

Bush smirks, clinks beer bottle with Cheney’s coffee mug.

BUSH
Real men.

That……is awesome. Allegedly, there's also a scene where a twentysomething Bush drunkenly crashes his car onto his parents' front lawn and screams at his father, ''Thank you, Mr. Perfect. Mr. War Hero. Mr. Fucking God Almighty!” challenging him to a fight, “Let’s go! Mano a mano! Right now!” This is Shakespearean in scope, people. Do you know who also had a problem with his parents? Hamlet.

As a caveat, this is only a rough draft. These scenes might not even make it into the completed film. Also, the leaked screenplay could be a complete fabrication. I prefer to think that it is not. Did I mention that Oliver Stone is directing? If the above is any indication of the finished product, W is easily going to be the best movie of 2008. Seriously.

Feel free to act these scenes out with your friends or family. I tried to convince my fellow wage slaves at the office to do a reading, but no one was interested. God, I hate those people.

Clear Channel Skies Ahead

Clear Channel Communications pretty much owns every radio station in the United States. They also own most of the live music venues. It’s essentially a monopoly. The U.S. government is supposedly opposed to this type of corporate domination. Still, it’s a good game, although it is kind of weird that a classically popular U.S. board game is based around the idea of effecting a stranglehold on the economy in contravention of federal law.

In the weeks following the terrorist attacks on 9/11, Clear Channel programming executives produced a list of songs deemed too upsetting or controversial for the grieving American public which they released to program directors at their radio stations. Here’s the list:

3 Doors Down - Duck and Run
311 - Down
ACDC - Dirty Deed Done Dirt Cheap
Hells Bells
Highway to Hell
Shoot to Thrill
Shot Down In Flames
T.N.T
The Ad Libs - The Boy From New York City
Alice In Chains - Down In a Hole
Rooster
Sea of Sorrow
Them Bones
Alien Ant Farm - Smooth Criminal
Animals - We Gotta Get Out of This Place
Louis Armstrong - What a Wonderful World
The Bangles - Walk Like an Egyptian
Barenaked Ladies - Falling For the First Time
Fontanella Bass - Rescue Me
Beastie Boys - Sabatoge
Sure Shot
Beatles - Day in the Life
Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds
Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
Ticket to Ride
Pat Benetar - Hit Me With Your Best Shot
Love Is A Battlefield
Black Sabbath - Sabbath Bloody Sabbath
War Pigs
Blood, Sweat and Tears - And When I Die
Blue Oyster Cult - Burnin' For Yo
Boston -Smokin
David Bowie & Mick Jagger -Dancing in the Street
Arthur Brown -Fire
Jackson Browne -Doctor My Eyes
Buddy Holly and the Crickets -That'll Be the Day
Bush -The People That We Love
The Chi-Lites - Have You Seen Her
Petula Clark - A Sign of the Times
The Clash - Rock the Casbah
Phil Collins -In the Air Tonight
Sam Cooke - Wonderful World
Creedence Clearwater Revival - Travelin' Band
The Cult - Fire Woman
Bobby Darin - Mack the Knife
Dave Clark Five - Bits and Pieces
Dave Matthews Band - Crash into Me
Skeeter Davis - The End of the World
Neil Diamond - America
Dio - Holy Diver
The Doors - The End
The Drifters - On Broadway
Drowning Pool - Bodies
Bob Dylan - Knockin' on Heaven's Door
Everclear - Santa Monica
Shelley Fabares - Johnny Angel
Filter - Hey Man, Nice Shot
Foo Fighters - Learn to Fly
Fuel - Bad Day
Peter Gabriel - When You're Falling
The Gap Band - You Dropped a Bomb on Me
Godsmack - Bad Religion
Green Day - Brain Stew
Norman Greenbaum - Spirit in the Sky
Guns N' Roses - Knockin' on Heaven's Door
The Happenings - See You in September
The Jimi Hendrix Experience - Hey Joe
Herman's Hermits - Wonderful World
The Hollies - He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother
Jan and Dean - Dead Man's Curve
Billy Joel - Only the Good Die Young
Elton John - Bennie and the Jets
Daniel
Rocket Man
Johnny Maestro & The Brooklyn Bridge - The Worst That Could Happen
Judas Priest - Some Heads Are Gonna Roll
Kansas - Dust in the Wind
Carole King - I Feel the Earth Move
Korn - Falling Away from Me
Lenny Kravitz - Fly Away
Led Zeppelin - Stairway to Heaven
John Lennon - Imagine
Jerry Lee Lewis - Great Balls of Fire
Limp Bizkit - Break Stuff
Local H - Bound for the Floor
Los Bravos - Black Is Black
Lynyrd Skynyrd - Tuesday's Gone
Martha and the Vandellas - Nowhere to Run
Dancing in the Street
MC Hammer - Have You Seen Her
Barry McGuire - Eve of Destruction
Don McLean - American Pie
Megadeth - Dread and the Fugitive Mind
Sweating Bullets
John Mellencamp - Crumbling Down
I'm on Fire
Metallica - Enter Sandman
Fade to Black
Harvester of Sorrow
Seek & Destroy
Mitch Ryder & the Detroit Wheels - Devil with a Blue Dress On
Alanis Morissette - Ironic
Mudvayne - Death Blooms
Ricky Nelson - Travelin' Man
Nena - 99 Luftballons
Nine Inch Nails - Head Like a Hole
Oingo Boingo - Dead Man's Party
Ozzy Osbourne - Suicide Solution
Paper Lace - The Night Chicago Died
John Parr - St. Elmo's Fire
Peter and Gordon - I Go to Pieces
A World Without Love
Peter, Paul and Mary - Blowin' in the Wind
Leaving on a Jet Plane
Tom Petty - Free Fallin'
Pink Floyd - Mother
Run Like Hell
P.O.D. - Boom
Elvis Presley - (Yu're the) Devil in Disguise
The Pretenders - My City Was Gone
Queen - Another One Bites the Dust
Killer Queen
Rage Against the Machine - All songs by Rage Against the Machine
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Aeroplane
Under the Bridge
R.E.M. - It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)
The Rolling Stones - Ruby Tuesday
Saliva - Click Click Boom
Santana - Evil Ways
Savage Garden - Crash and Burn
Simon and Garfunkel - Bridge Over Troubled Water
Frank Sinatra - New York, New York
Slipknot - Left Behind
Wait and Bleed
The Smashing Pumpkins - Bullet With Butterfly Wings
Soundgarden - Black Hole Sun
Blow Up the Outside World
Fell on Black Days
Bruce Springsteen - I'm Goin' Down
I'm on Fire
War
Edwin Starr - War
Steam - Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye
Steve Miller Band - Jet Airliner
Cat Stevens - Morning Has Broken
Peace Train
Stone Temple Pilots - Big Bang Baby
Dead & Bloated
Sugar Ray -Fly
The Surfaris - Wipeout
System of a Down - Chop Suey!
Talking Heads - Burning Down the House
James Taylor - Fire and Rain
Temple of the Dog - Say Hello 2 Heaven
Third Eye Blind - Jumper
Three Degrees - When Will I See You Again
Tool - Intolerance
The Trammps - Disco Inferno
U2 - Sunday Bloody Sunday
Van Halen - Jump
Dancing in the Street
J. Frank Wilson - Last Kiss
Wings - Live and Let Die
The Youngbloods - Get Together
Zager and Evans - In the Year 2525
The Zombies - She's Not There

The programming executives responsible for the list explained that it was created on an informal basis and was intended as a mere suggestion for Clear Channel radio stations and not an actual ban on these songs. Despite prior admissions to the press, Clear Channel later disclaimed the existence of the list.

As these events occurred nearly seven years ago, I do recognize that this is not exactly breaking news. But I just found out about it. So it’s breaking news to me.

The very creation of such a list is an inherently strange exercise, a preemptive corporate analysis of American grief and its relationship to popular music. What was its express purpose? Was it a genuine, albeit paternalistic, expression of concern for the American people in the wake of tragedy? Was it a calculated commercial decision, designed to reduce the incidence of radio listeners becoming offended or overwhelmed with emotion who might then switch off their radios or change the station (although, the latter would hardly matter, as, once again, Clear Channel Communications owns pretty much every radio station in the United States)? Only Clear Channel knows for sure.

The list of songs can be broken down into several different content specific categories: songs about airplanes or flight, songs about fire/explosions, songs about jumping or falling and songs about mortality.

I can sort of understand the logic behind the temporary suspension of songs about airplanes. Steve Miller Band’s reference to that "big ole jet airliner” might not evoke the most pleasant images in the minds of listeners, given the timing. Same for “Leaving On a Jet Plane,” although I personally would have included John Denver’s version rather than the one by Peter, Paul and Mary, because he actually left on a plane and never came back.

This type of reasoning might explain the somewhat puzzling inclusion of Ricky Nelson’s “Traveling Man,” a fairly innocuous song about a philandering commuter with a lady in every port. Is Ricky Nelson on this list because he also died in a plane crash? If so, this would require a great deal of explication and prior knowledge on the part of the listener. Obviously, someone at Clear Channel thought that the following scenario was likely to occur: “Oh man, I love this song. Turn. It. Up! Ricky Nelson: classic. Remember when he was on Ozzie & Harriett? He was really good in that, even though he was just a teenager. Humph. Whatever happened to him? Oh yeah, he died in a plane crash, quite young if I remember correctly. Sad. Who else died in a plane crash? Aww crap! September 11. Now I’m just depressed. Tammy, turn off the radio!”

If you had never heard Elton John’s “Benny & the Jets,” you might be tempted to include it in a list of this sort. But aren’t the “Jets” mentioned in the song some sort of colorful street gang, like the “Sharks” from West Side Story, and not a reference to actual planes? Wait. Strike that. I think it’s about a band called “Benny & the Jets.” Anyway, the point is that it’s not about real jet airplanes. Was this list compiled by a computer?

I can also understand how songs about explosions or fiery conflagrations might not be that appropriate right after the destruction of the World Trade Center. Bruce Springsteen’s “I’m On Fire,” Talking Heads’ “Burning Down the House” and James Taylor’s “Fire and Rain” are all fair enough. The Gap Band’s “You Dropped a Bomb On Me?” Okay. ACDC’s “TNT” and "Shot Down in Flames?" Fine. “Disco Inferno”? Now you’re starting to lose me. That song is about burning up the dancefloor…..with red-hot dance moves. And “St. Elmo’s Fire?" All that does is make me think of Rob Lowe playing the saxophone. While wearing sunglasses. At night. Indoors. Everyone knows that’s just soothing.

I can get behind the inclusion of Tom Petty’s “Free Falling.” That does oddly conjure an image of people jumping off of a giant skyscraper. But not so for Van Halen’s “Jump.” For some reason, this makes me think of chesty aerobics instructors.

The songs about mortality are even more tenuous. Oingo Boingo’s “Dead Man’s Party” is obviously about death, but they make it seem fun. Who doesn’t like a good party? I bet they would have xylophones made out skeletons at that party. “Knocking On Heaven’s Door”, both the Bob Dylan and Guns & Roses versions (Don’t even bother trying to answer that age old question of which one is better. Who can really say?), is about a cowboy sheriff or something, and really doesn’t make me think of terrorism in the modern age. I believe Jan and Dean’s “Dead Man’s Curve” is about the perils of drag racing. In the early 1960’s. This would totally remind me of 9/11, if the terrorists had been angry “greasers” bent on destroying a plane full of “soshes.” Buddy Holly’s “That’ll Be the Day” is about dying on the inside after your girlfriend dumps you. Much like with Ricky Nelson, I suspect this was included because Buddy Holly died in a place crash.

Songs with overt political messages are also predictably verboten. The funniest part of the entire list has to be the line “Rage Against the Machine – All songs by Rage Against the Machine.” Sorry Black Sabbath’s “War Pigs.” This is no time to ponder the futility of war and the crass profiteering which follows. That goes for pinko peaceniks like you too, John Lennon’s “Imagine.” Cat Stevens’ “Peace Train” and “Morning Has Broken?” No way. That guy became a Muslim. Lois Armstrong? You and your “Wonderful World” can go fuck yourselves.

Apparently, Clear Channel felt that any mention of the Middle East was too provocative for the American listener, as evidenced by the appearance of the always controversial “Walk Like an Egyptian.” The Clash’s “Rock the Casbah" also made the list, which is weird, considering that the song is kind of all about subverting Islamic extremism throught the power of rock music. I think that “Rock the Casbah” could be really inspiring in an international crisis of this type. Plus, it’s allegedly very popular with members of the U.S. military and was the first song played by Armed Forces Radio at the start of the first Gulf War.

The inclusion of some of the songs on the list is entirely mystifying. For instance, Nena’s “99 Luftballons” or “Ruby Tuesday” by The Rolling Stones or The Red Hot Chili Peppers’ “Under the Bridge.” As far as I can tell, the only thing that theses songs have in common is that they are all tinged with melancholy. Most of the great pop songs of the last century contain an element of melancholy, because great pop songs are mostly about love and loss. This doesn’t leave much for the grieving American public to listen to.

And why, you ask, would Clear Channel want to suppress Alien Ant Farm’s “Smooth Criminal,” but not the original by Michael Jackson? Because Alien Ant Farm’s cover version is really, really sucky. That’s just a good programming decision. The American people had suffered enough.

Technostalgic Dysphoria

If you had any affection for the Atari Corporation in the 1980’s, you might find this link of interest:

Mighty God King: Fun From Yesterday!

This totally takes me back. I spent countless hours playing “It’s Fucking Checkers.” What a great game.

Just admit it. The Atari box art was really amazing. The ‘80’s future was so bright and colorful and wonderfully technologic. When I was 8 years old, I kind of assumed that by the year 2000, I would be the supreme commander of some sort of mobile missile defense unit. Obviously, this did not come to fruition. What went wrong? As a result, I now suffer from a fictional psychiatric disorder called “technostalgic dysphoria,” a severe dissatisfaction with the present based on an unreasonable expectation of the future devised in a bygone era. If you like the film Barbarella, and you should, you most likely know what I mean. Thanks for nothing childhood dream-makers.

Dead Letter File

The internet is so great. Why, you’re using it this very second. From adopting a kitten to arranging anonymous sex with a stranger in your local area, there’s nothing you can’t do on the internet. And now you can use the internet to send messages to your friends and relatives from beyond the grave.

That’s right, Postexpression.com enables you to “create and store multimedia messages that will be sent by email to friends and family after you die.” I’m intrigued, please tell me more. “Post Expression allows you to communicate with people after you’ve died. It gives you the opportunity to communicate final words of encouragement, confession and love; or private information that may get lost if you pass away.” I hope that these people are better at delivering dead people’s messages than they are at using semicolons.

I can’t decide whether this is the stupidest, most creepy idea in the world; or just straight genius. The service only costs 19 euros. That’s a small price to pay for precious, precious closure.

Post Expression does offer a free, 30-day trial. However, this is of no conceiveable value unless you die. Within 30 days. Also, in the event that you do die, they won't deliver your free trial messages until after you've paid them 19 euros. Best not go with the free trial then.

I wish that their website included helpful sample messages. This is what I imagine a last letter to a lover might look like:

“Hey Baby, I love you so much. I’m dead now, but our love will last for eternity. And Baby, I know that it’s gonna be hard, but I’d really like for you to try and stay celibate until you die too. In honor of our love. If you had been the one to go, I would totally do it for you. The thought of you getting it on with another man is too much for me to bear. You do love me, right? I’ll be watchin’ you from Heaven. XOXO”

Or maybe a final message to your favorite texting buddy:

“OMFG! i’m dead. this blows. WTF? :( i guess I won’t be ROFL ever again. have a good rest of ur life. G2G. Cya L8R.”

Or perhaps the ultimate “fuck you” from the great beyond:

“Jimmy, I know that you’re my brother and all, but I always hated you. You are such a complete dickhead. Remember when I took Jake Henderson home to meet Mom and Dad and you told him that I was taking special medication for pubic lice? You ruined everything. Why? I liked him so much. He was perfect. And remember when you borrowed $150 to get a new cd player for your Trans Am and promised to pay me back in a month? That was FIVE years ago! I guess I’ll never collect on that now. Seriously, go fuck yourself.”

And it totally has practical application. For instance:

“Son, if you’re reading this, I’m probably dead. I’m so proud of you. I can’t imagine having a better son. Anyway, there’s one last thing that I need you to do for me. There’s a rather substantial cache of German porn hidden in my tool shed. It is IMPERATIVE that you dispose of this before your mother finds it. She’d never understand. Third drawer from the bottom. You’re the best. Love you, Dad”

As you can see, this has limitless potential. OMFG! G2G. I could die at any moment. I have sooooo many messages to write.

The Curious Case of Horst Rippert

“If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a grenade at them.” – Jack Handey

At this point, it is a near universal truth that war is primitive, inane and largely unnecessary. Especially if someone made you read Kurt Vonnegut in high school. Man, that guy was really successful in foisting devious “don’t kill other human beings” propaganda on the young and impressionable.

A sterling example of the cosmic irony of war is the curious case of Horst Rippert. Rippert was a Luftwaffe pilot in the Second World War. One of his favorite writers was Antoine de Saint-Exupery, author of The Little Prince, whose central character was also an aviator. On July 31, 1944, he shot down a P-38 airplane with French markings over the Mediterranean.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery was an Allied pilot in the Second World War. His favorite authors included Paul Valery, Jules Verne and the German Romanticists. On July 31, 1944, he left on an assignment in a P-38 to collect aerial intelligence on German troop movement in the Rhone Valley and never returned. Nearly six decades later, his plane was found at the bottom of the Mediterranean.

Upon hearing of Saint-Exupery’s disappearance, Rippert was convinced that he had killed his hero. He told no one. Rippert, now 88 years old, finally confessed this possibility after being contacted by Luc Vanrell, a French marine archaeologist who discovered and substantiated the identity of Saint-Exupery’s lost plane. Rippert stresses that if he had been aware of the identity of his victim, he wouldn’t have pulled the trigger. “If I had known it was Saint-Exupery, I would never have shot him down,” explained Rippert. “I loved his books. He was probably my favorite author at the time. I am shocked and sorry. Who knows what other great books he would have gone on to write?”

“I didn’t target a man who I knew. I shot at an enemy plane that went down. That’s all.” Praising Saint-Exupery, Rippert said, “He knew admirably how to describe the sky, the thoughts and feelings of pilots.” He then added, “His work inspired many of us to take up our vocation.”

That’s kind of ironic. You know what’s not kind of ironic? The song “Ironic” by Alanis Morisette. There isn’t a solid example of irony in that entire song. For instance: “A traffic jam when you’re already late/ A no smoking sign on your cigarette break/ It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife/ It’s meeting the man of my dreams/ And then meeting his beautiful wife/ And isn’t it ironic….don’t you think?”

No. I fucking don't. And it's not. Those are just frustrating situations where things aren’t going your way. You know what is ironic, Alanis Morisette? Writing a bunch of amazing books about aviation that inspire people to become pilots, one of whom becomes a really skilled fighter pilot who later mistakenly kills you in a dog fight. That’s fucking ironic. Oh wait. is the irony supposed to be that it’s a song called “Ironic” in which there is no actual irony? I can’t take this anymore. Stop messing with my head, Canada!

Anyway, in light of this sixty year old aeronautic tragedy, I think that I might have a pragmatic solution to the whole “war” problem. If everyone in world would just write a great book that was read and adored by everyone else in the world, no one would be able to intentionally kill anyone out of sheer literary admiration. Done and done. Get typing people!

The Ongoing Struggle For Human Rights, Smugness

Boycott, boycott, boycott. Is there any word more stirring to the human spirit? If you are a big fan of boycotts, and I am, then the 2008 Beijing Olympics is like Christmas in September.

The best type of boycott is the kind where you don’t actually have to do anything. This typically involves boycotting a product or service that you wouldn’t normally patronize to begin with. Here’s an example. Remember when everyone was all up in arms about the tuna industry killing dolphins that would accidentally get caught in their fishing nets? Man, people love dolphins. Especially slutty girls, who like to get them tattooed on their lower backs.

As a life-long vegetarian, this was an ideal protest situation. I got to walk around loudly and publicly repining about the callous industrial destruction of everyone’s favorite aquatic mammal without having to change any aspect of my life. This left me with plenty of leisure time with which to feel superior to the plebian and unenlightened tuna sandwich set. See? Boycotting and feeling superior is fun. And easy.

Which brings us to China. China seems to be the international whipping boy as of late. Did you see all those protestors throwing bottles and plastic cups at that athlete carrying the Olympic torch through the streets of Paris? You know, that torch-bearer in the wheel chair? That was sort of fucked up.

I’d almost feel sorry for China if, well, China wasn’t China. It’s almost like they’re following the playbook of some outlandish cartoon villain. From the cultural genocide and oppression in Tibet to the arms dealing support of the ethnic cleansing in Sudan (where, incidentally, China has a substantial oil pipeline), the Chinese government is so amazingly and consistently nefarious and so very easy to disdain. Bring on the boycott!

Now, I don’t think that a boycott of the 2008 Summer Olympic Games themselves would be that productive. Plus, the thought of all those disappointed, tearful, teenaged, ribbon-twirling, female gymnasts is almost too much to bear. No, I intend to go for the deep pockets: the corporate sponsors.

This year’s roster, although impressive, shouldn’t pose too much of a problem and fits in nicely with my prior boycotting experience. McDonalds? Please. I’ve been smugly boycotting the golden arches for years. (Once again, vegetarian) Snickers? Am I a hungry ten year old? Johnson & Johnson? Their supposed “no tears formula” doesn’t even work.

The Volkswagen Corporation was brought to you in part by a grant from the Third Reich, so they are already on the “no buy” list. I just discovered Asic’s “Onitsuka Tiger” model, so the Adidas boycott doesn’t phase me. I don’t have any appliances made by General Electric. My refrigerator is made by Magic Chef. I don’t think that they will be sponsoring anything anytime soon. Do you even know anyone who has an Omega wrist-watch?

It gets trickier when we get to the Tsingtao brewery. Shit. What am I supposed to drink when I go to Chinese restaurants? That’s the only non-Japanese Asian beer that I know about. Not you too, UPS? I guess I’ll be seeing a lot of the U.S. Postal Service in the next few months. I do prefer the crisp, brown, utilitarian smartness of the UPS uniform. Coca Cola? I never really loved you to begin with.

Visa? Now you’re breaking my heart. Like most Americans, I like purchasing items but don’t actually have any money. My Amazon.com Visa card allows me to live in the middling luxury to which I’ve grown accustomed while at the same time horribly mortgaging my future. For every $25,000 I spend, I get a $25 gift certificate. For free! I can’t afford not to use it.

Fortunately, fate has interceded. In what turns out to be a twist of almost magical synchronicity, I recklessly maxed out my Visa card just a few days ago. Fuck you, Chinese government! Sure, I’ll have to pay Visa back at some point, but I have a feeling that it won’t be anytime near this year’s Olympics. Or really anytime in the year 2008. Good thing that I have a spare Mastercard lying around somewhere. Feeling smug about the 2008 Beijing Olympics: priceless.

John Zizka Was Totally Metal

Jan Zizka of Trocnov (1360 – 1424) was totally metal. A follower of Czech reformer Jan Huss, Jan Zizka was a military genius who prevailed against the expansionist tyranny of the Holy Roman Empire. Here is a brief index of his credentials.

First of all, he was a defender of Bohemia. Everyone knows that Bohemia is the land of 1,000 beers. Beer and heavy metal go really well together.

Second, he had only one eye. He is said to have lost it in a fight as a child. That’s really impressive in and of itself. “Zizka” is apparently a nickname meaning “one eye” in Czech. As far as nicknames go, “One-Eyed Jan” is fairly unimpeachable. But it gets better. A year before he died (possibly of the plague, also totally metal), Zizka lost his other eye to an arrow during a siege. Undeterred and completely blind, he continued to command his troops while on horseback in the numerous battles which followed. And he never lost a battle.

Third, although a ferocious general who literally took no prisoners in the heat of combat, Zizka was known to spare the lives of women and children whilst sacking hostile towns and villages. Now, at first blush, this might seem to be the very antithesis of metal. Cobra Kai, the greatest martial arts dojo in the history of cinema, never showed mercy or compassion, and look how awesome they were. However, a deeper (barely) historical analysis vindicates the one-eyed general. At the time, Zizka’s largesse was extremely unusual. It was commonly understood that women and children were fair game. Jan Zizka’s policy of mercy was a reversal of the military traditions of the day. Metal is all about the contravention of tradition and authority.

Last, and most impressively, Zizka’s dying wish was for his officers to remove the skin from his corpse and stretch it into a battle drum upon which his soldiers could pound a martial cadence as they marched victoriously into battle. That’s pretty much the most metal thing that I can conceive of at this moment. You can’t make this stuff up. Or maybe you can. It’s debatable whether the story of Jan Zizka’s dying request is apocryphal or not. In an essay on the human tendency to want things beyond one’s reach, Michel de Montaigne suggested that Zizka’s dead flesh actually was turned into a battle drum. It would a lot cooler if that were true. Does this mean that my surviving relatives aren’t going to explode my ashes into the sky using a giant bottle rocket on Halloween night, per my instructions? Lame.

Bitter, Bitter Tears

Didn’t W.C. Fields say that you should never work with children or animals? Jill Greenberg has been immensely successful working with both. Her photographs of monkeys, bears and children are beautifully hyper-real and at the same time, extremely artificial. As far as I understand, this is largely done with lighting effects and post production digital enhancement. I’m rather partial to her series entitled Monkey Portraits, a weirdly touching study of the facial expressions of monkeys and apes. Awww, they think they’re people. Apparently, Jane Goodall is a big fan. Greenberg clearly enjoys the contrast of posing natural subjects in manufactured environments. Augmenting this sense of unreality, the animals used in Monkey Portraits were all trained “working monkeys” routinely used in film, television and advertising and well accustomed to mugging for the camera. That’s right, Ross’s monkey Marcel from Friends is featured. Greenberg also used trained show business bears for her Ursine series.

The work which has garnered the most attention is End Times, a collection of high gloss portraits of tearful children. I don’t know why, but something about it is really hilarious. Greenberg admitted that she elicited tears from her small models by giving them lollipops and then abruptly snatching them away. Infant coddling Americans were immediately outraged. The blogosphere erupted in scorn and accusation. The term “child abuse” was bandied about quite a lot. Why won’t anyone ever think of the children? I don't get what the big deal was. They eventually got their candy back. God, don’t you just hate bloggers?

Galleries: Monkey Portraits, Ursine and End Times

The Phony King of England

When I was six years old, the most pernicious villain that I could think of was Prince John from Disney’s Robin Hood. Man, did I ever hate that guy. He was greedy, craven, cruel and despotic, the exact opposite of that crafty rogue Robin Hood. Remember when Prince John imprisoned everyone for failing to pay their criminally inflated taxes, even the wizened old owl couple in their tattered clothes and the wee family of mice that were ridiculously chained to an iron ball ten times their size? What a jerk.

The human Prince John was about as competent as his animated counterpart. He lost valuable territory in Normandy, made England a papal fief after a disastrously mismanaged dispute with the Church of Rome and left the nation torn by civil war. This all occurred when he was officially king of England. Unlike the anthropomorphic, thumb-sucking, mommy-issue beset lion, the historical John was never sentenced to hard labor splitting rocks with the Sheriff of Nottingham whilst wearing striped convict uniforms. Nor, as far as we can tell, did he have a know-it-all boa constrictor advisor named Sir Hiss who would say things like, “Yesssss your Majesssssty.” When his brother Richard returned from the Crusades, he pardoned John for attempting to usurp his throne and named him his heir and successor. What a sweet guy. No wonder he was portrayed by a glowy, resplendent Sean Connery in 1991’s Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

Just like in the cartoon, John was crazy for taxes. In order to replenish the royal purse, depleted by a series of failed foreign wars, John heavily taxed the clergy and the barons, which eventually resulted in a rebellion against him. Unsurprisingly, John was forced to acquiesce. The ensuing treaty, later known as the Magna Carta and signed by John under duress, was unprecedented in its definition of monarchy as subordinate to the rule of law. The Magna Carta limited royal powers, guaranteed essential rights, including habeas corpus and due process and served as an important foundation for the U.S Constitution and Bill of Rights. I guess being a colossal putz can sometimes be of great benefit to everyone. Neatly summing of John’s reign, Winston Churchill reflected, “When the long tally is added, it will be seen that the British nation and the English-speaking world owe far more to the vices of John than to the labours of virtuous sovereigns.” Highly optimistic that this paradigm of success through failure will be repeated in U.S. politics, I can’t wait to see what silver lining is in store for us in the aftermath of eight years with another curiously similar leader whose legitimacy and right to rule have also been called into question. Four more wars!

For a realistic portrayal of the havoc and devastation wrought by John's unjust taxation policies, please refer to the short film clip below.

Link: Disney's Robin Hood - Not In Nottingham

God Jesus Robot

For all those of you who feel that Christianity is medieval, archaic and fails to address the concerns of our technologic age, I present to you the God Jesus Robot. This brilliant piece of automated religiana was produced by Japan’s Bandai Corporation in the mid 1980’s. As far as I can tell, aside from waving its creepy, white plastic crucifix, all it does is answer your prayers. Or sometimes it refuses your prayers. The person on the box appears to be weeping after receiving a negative response. What was he praying for anyway? It looks like he was petitioning God Jesus Robot for his very own Japanese school girl. I bet God Jesus Robot gets that one a lot.

I was always taught that God answers prayers thusly: 1). Yes, 2). No, or 3). Wait Awhile. This God Jesus is, of course, a robot and can only answer in a binary fashion. Negative? Affirmative! Basically, it’s a blasphemous, battery operated version of the Magic 8-ball.

Now, everyone knows that robots are godless profaners. But what does this product say about the Japanese? Is this what Japanese people think of when they imagine Jesus? They do seem to love their robots. When I try to imagine Jesus, I usually think of Andy Gibb from the Bee-Gees, with that downy, fulsome beard and impossibly glossy long hair. Why didn’t they give God Jesus Robot a beard? I think that a religious robot with a beard would be really funny. Japan must be the most sacrelicious country in the world.