Apparently, the posthumous message delivery industry is getting more competitive by the second. Just when I was starting to get used to the inherent creepiness and inanity of PostExpression.com, here comes You’ve Been Left Behind. At YouveBeenLeftBehind.com, you can leave important messages for your loved ones which will be delivered after you have been taken away by Jesus in the “Rapture.” Their business motto is “Because ‘no one knows the day or hour.’”
This is their mission statement:
"You've Been Left Behind gives you one last opportunity to reach your lost family and friends For Christ. Imagine being in the presence of the Lord and hearing all of heaven rejoice over the salvation of your loved ones. It is our prayer that this site makes it happen."
Huh. I still don’t really get it. Luckily, the website menu has a helpful section simply titled “WHY:”
"Why? We all have friends and family who have failed to receive the Good News of the Gospel. The unsaved will be ‘left behind’ on earth to go through the ‘tribulation period’ after the ‘Rapure.’ [Ed. Note – I too prefer to use air quotes when referring to the ‘Rapture.’] You remember how, for a short time, after (9/11/01) people were open to spiritual things and answers. (We are still singing ‘God Bless America’ at baseballs’ seventh inning stretch.) Imagine how taken back they will by the millions of missing Christians and devastation at the rapture. They will know it was true and that they have blown it. There will be a small window of time where they might be reached for the Kingdom of God. We have made it possible for you to send them a letter of love and a plea to receive Christ one last time. You can also send information based on scripture as to what will happen next. Each fulfilled prophecy will cause your letter and plea to be remembered and a decision to be made. ‘Why’ is one last chance to bring them to Christ and snatch them from the flames!"
Allegedly, the website used to have a section which dealt with the infernal intricacies of post-“Rapture” probate courts:
"You will also be able to give them some help in living out their remaining time. In the encrypted portion of your account you can give them access to your banking, brokerage, hidden valuables, and powers of attorneys' (you won't be needing them any more, and the gift will drive home the message of love). There won't be any bodies, so probate court will take 7 years to clear your assets to your next of Kin. 7 years of course is all the time that will be left. So, basically the Government of the AntiChrist gets your stuff, unless you make it available in another way."
This is a really sensible point. The very same thing happens if you are stranded on an uncharted desert isle for 7 years or more. A court eventually declares you legally dead and out come the vultures to cart away your cherished belongings while you vainly attempt to construct a radio out of coconuts and seaweed. That’s why it’s always best to leave detailed instructions about the disposition of your wealth with a trusted agent or, in this case, a group of anonymous strangers professing to be Christians who run a weird internet business that provides vague promises of "encryption" for your sensitive financial date. You know, in the event of your disappearance, righteous or otherwise. That’s just smart planning.
As great as it all sounds, this business model is clearly not intended for people in my demographic. I’m pretty sure that if the “Rapture” does come, I will be one of the people who have been “left behind.” I believe this for a number of reasons, one of them being that if I were to leave a message for my friends and family on You’veBeenLeftBehind.com, it would probably look something like this: “What’s up now? Guess who loves me more than He loves you? That’s right: JESUS! See you later. Actually, I probably won’t see you later. So long, suckers!” That’s not very Christian.
Being “left behind” is kind of the cosmic equivalent of being picked last for kickball. I imagine that I might feel a little disappointed. Maybe even hurt. That being said, if all of the people who own bumper stickers that say things like “In Case of Rapture, This Car Will Be Unmanned” were to suddenly disappear from the Earth, I would probably be more grateful and relieved than frightened. And then I would steal the cars owned by those people.
Watch: Blondie -"Rapture"
2 comments:
"Judge not lest ye be judged..." Remember that asshole & that I know God hates you.
Do you know what God also doesn’t like? People who profess to know what He likes or dislikes. Also, humorlessness. He does, however, think it’s really funny when people invoke the well worn New Testament interdiction on judging other people to judge other people. I’m not a fancy theologian, but I’m pretty sure that Jesus loves logic.
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