Every Time She Winked, I Thought It Was Just For Me

A variation on Godwin’s Law states that “a good rule in most discussions is that the first person to call the other a Nazi automatically loses the argument.” This is especially true in the context of political discourse in the United States, which, of late, seems to have settled into a new nadir. Wags and pundits on both sides of the aisle habitually compare one another to “fascists” and “Nazis” in their flaccid attempts to deflate and defame the opposition’s policy positions. It’s lazy, puerile and completely unproductive.

So, theoretically, I should be dismissive of this Hitler-invoking pinko knee-jerk liberal propaganda film (a clip refashioned from the excellent German film Downfall). But I'm not. The portrayal of the Fuhrer as a Palin enamored Republican strategist is puerile, unproductive and radiantly funny. The line “That’s what Alaska gets for electing a MILF and not a Stalin!” alone makes it worthwhile. So, yeah, I’m a hypocrite.

Schadenfreude

"Marriage is the cornerstone on which our society was founded. For those who say that the Constitution is so sacred that we cannot or should not adopt the Federal Marriage Amendment, I would simply point out that marriage, and the sanctity of that institution, predates the American Constitution and the founding of our nation. Marriage, as a social institution, predates every other institution on which ordered society in America has relied."

- John Ensign, Republican United States Senator (Nevada)

Ensign, a vocal opponent of gay marriage who voted to impeach then-President Clinton, admitted this week to having an affair with a former campaign staffer, a staffer whose husband worked in Ensign’s Senate office. Awkward! The husband later demanded a large payoff from Ensign, ostensibly in exchange for his silence, which explains the hasty, public confession. Double awkward!

Clearly, allowing gay people to wed would make a mockery of the institution of marriage.

Every Band Should Have A Trumpet

If you enjoy bow ties and earnest, baroque indie pop, then you might like this video:



Until July 4th, Fanfarlo is distributing their stellar album, Reservoir, as a $1 digital download, available at their website.

Graffitistronaut

Awesomely Bad Unicorn Tattoos

There’s something really endearing about a horrendously terrible tattoo. For instance, anything with the Looney Tunes "Tasmanian Devil." Or the motto "Sex, Drugs & Rock &Roll." One could probably fashion an entire blog around this sort of thing.

There’s something far less compelling but slightly interesting about an ironically terrble tattoo. For some reason, winking insincerity makes it that much less enjoyable.

But it goes without saying that tattoos which feature unicorns exist in the rarified, upper stratosphere of either category. The photo gallery "30 Awesomely Bad Unicorn Tattoos" celebrates the amazing art and artlessness of this permanent skin genre.

Tasmanian devil riding a unicorn? Check. Unicorn copulating with a dolphin? Check. But what’s up with the “white power” unicorn festooned with a Nazi armband with rainbows in the foreground? Is that for real? It's on a guy's ass, so I really doubt it. Either way, it’s not that funny. But kind of funny. I’m so confused.

Anyway, when it comes to tattoos emblazoned with beasts of myth, unicorns are clearly the way to go.

Monkeystronaut

"In Huntsville, Ala., there is an unusual grave site where, instead of flowers, people sometimes leave bananas.

The gravestone reads: Miss Baker, squirrel monkey, first U.S. animal to fly in space and return alive. May 28, 1959."

NPR.org pays tribute to the unwilling simian test pilots of NASA’s early, bumbling attempts at space travel. Just kidding. No one has ever been to space. Seriously. No one. Ever.

Read: "After 50 Years, Space Monkeys Not Forgotten"

Floozyball

“If you will it, it is no dream (house)” – Theodor Herzl

I know. Mind-blowing. And what a great message for little girls: you can participate in rough and tumble sports just like the fellas, so long as you do it in a miniskirt and a slinky top. Also, blue eye shadow. No one likes a slouch.

But don’t get too excited. The Barbie foosball table isn’t on the market yet. This model was an exhibit at the International Design Festival in Berlin. That would explain the mostly Teutonic aspect of these lady athletes. Considering how awesomely creepy it looks, it’s probably safe to assume that it was created without the consent of Mattel, Inc.

If they ever do mass market an impaled, armless Barbie foosball table, and they should, I would hope that they would also release a wee little toy version for the rec room in Barbie’s Dream House. I think that it would really tie the room together.

Everything Tracy Jordan Said

30 Rock is one of the most consistently funny shows on network television. If you don’t think so, it’s probably because you don’t enjoy laughing. Possibly because of some kind of injury from a construction site accident that makes it painful for you to do so.

Unlikelywords.com recently posted a lovingly compiled transcript of every Tracy Jordan line from 30 Rock’s second season. It’s a completely rewarding and worthwhile read. For the benefit of those with infinitesimal attention spans, I’ve distilled the transcript down to ten choice lines, arranged in order of air-date chronology:

1. “I hate to see you like this, Ken Doll. It’s like an owl without a graduation cap. Heartbreaking!"

2. “What’s wrong, Ken? You got wife eyes!”

3. “But then he scores a basket even though he’s not a wolf anymore.”

4. “Larry, what everyone needs to do is just take a deep breath, calm down, and start preparing their bodies for the Thunderdome. That is the new law.”

5. “OK. Sorry it took me so long to answer. I was just thinking about how weird it is that we eat birds.”

6. “I had to. Friendship and trust in the entourage is the most important thing. Like that HBO show, John Adams.”

7. “We’re going out tonight, Jacky D, and we’re going to be tempted like Jesus in the wilderness. Jesus is my stereo guy and the Wilderness is a club I took him to once.”

8. “We’re dressing monkeys up as people and monkeys are playing with people as toys!”

9. “I feel like you’re not telling me something, Jack. Let me guess. You bought a sidecar for your motorcycle and your dog won’t stay in it.”

10. “My love child tracked me down. I was shocked, scared, angry. Like a dog in a sidecar when it comes loose from the motorcycle. But it turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me.”

When He Turns Red, Get Under The Bed

Shining

A well crafted movie preview (or “trailer” as it’s called in “the biz”) can make a bad movie look enticing and make a good movie look dreary and unappealing. This reminds me of that time that the preview for Billy Elliot made me cry. Dance, Billy, dance! I partly blame Enya. Her music is very powerful.

The video trailer below, entitled “Shining,” is a tribute to the magical alchemy of clever editing.


“Shining” was created by Robert Ryang, a Manhattan film editor’s assistant. It was the winning entry for a 2005 film contest sponsored by the New York chapter of the Association of Independent Creative Editors. The contest rules were simple: take any film and make a trailer which casts that film in a different genre. Sound and dialogue could be altered, visual images could not.

And, presto! Stanley Kubrick’s stylistic horror classic (and arguably, one of the few truly successful film adaptations of a Stephen King novel) is transformed into a hilariously moronic tale of a jaded writer and his relationship with a precocious yet vulnerable kid in need of a father figure. About A Boy, Three Men and a Baby, Annie, Kolya, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom…..I love this genre!

I can’t tell what’s more frightening: the evocative terror of The Shining in its original form or the idea that a cinematic masterpiece could so easily be transmogrified into Jerry Maguire style dreck through crafty, selective editing and an overused Peter Gabriel tune. Either way, it's pretty scary. It’s a dark, dark world out there.

All the Presidents' Girls

It’s always kind of weird when Europeans take an intense interest in American history and governance. Take for instance, Alexis de Tocqueville’s On Democracy in America, wherein a curious little Frenchman pokes around the continent for nine months making furtive, creepy comments and predictions about the American form of government in his creepy little notebook. He predicts that the country will be divided by the topic of slavery! A mere twenty years before the Civil War! (Not impressive) He predicts that the United States and Russia will one day be rival superpowers! A full century before it happens! (Very impressive) Sure, On Democracy in America is a classic and is rightly considered one of great contemporary analyses of early U.S. government, but it’s still a bit awkward when people from the old world get all up in our business.

Kind of similar but totally different is English artist Annie Kevans' new exhibition, All the President’s Girls, a series of portraits depicting the various mistresses of the U.S. Presidents. Hands off foreigner, that’s our dirty laundry! The exhibition has been called “mildly offensive” by critics in the U.S. The only thing that I find mildly offensive is that this:













Does not at all resemble this:
An artist with integrity would not have vainly attempted to varnish ugly or unpleasant truths.

I was a bit surprised that the series only features 11 of J.F.K.’s many storied conquests. What about the other 287? I was also surprised by the inclusion of William Rufus deVane King, James Buchanan’s old friend and roommate. Or “roommate,” depending on your interpretation of ambiguous historical evidence. Genocidal cut-up Andrew Jackson allegedly referred to King as “Miss Nancy” and “Aunt Fancy.” What a wit. James Buchanan was the only U.S. President who was unmarried during his tenure in office. He was also the only U.S. President who never married period. On its face, that doesn’t mean anything, but tongues will wag. So what? He preferred the company of men. Who doesn’t?

The only thing about this situation that I find upsetting is that, if we did have a secret gay U.S. President, the person that I don’t want to find it out from is some snarky British art type. You should be ashamed of yourself, Europe. A polite guest does not poke around in other people’s closets, thank you very much.

Dear LOL, GFYS

Texting language is most likely here to stay. But that doesn’t mean that I have to like it. I blame Prince. I may be “Crazy 4 U,” Prince, but I also hold you accountable for all of the nonsense abbreviations and intentional misspellings which are degrading the English language. And yes, I know that I sound like “Old Man Withers” sitting on his porch and yelling at the neighborhood kids for being “too dang rambunctious.”

Out of all of the myriad, obnoxious abbreviations used in emails and text messages, the one most worthy of being dragged to the pillory and beaten has to be “LOL,” which is all but ubiquitous now that people are all aTwitter and aTwatter with their stupid 140 character limits. My main problem with “LOL” is that people love to use it to denote things that are only slightly funny at best:

“Uh oh. Going to be late for school again. LOL!” “My boss is wearing a really ugly tie. LOL!” “I sure hope I win the lottery today. LOL!” “I forgot my umbrella. And now it’s raining. LOL!”

None of these things would make a normal human “laugh out loud.” They probably wouldn’t even elicit a smile.

“LOL” is most commonly invoked as a cheap acknowledgement that the other person has attempted a bit of humor, however lamely. Or that the writer has attempted a bit of humor, however lamely. Or that they’ve encountered a situation that is slightly ridiculous, embarrassing or overwhelming. And yet, “LOL” makes a vainglorious claim about a physiological reaction which, in all likelihood, did not occur. It's all just elaborate shorthand for emotional fraud. And no one likes to be lied to with abbreviations.

How then is one to differentiate between robust and ingenuous "out loud" laughter and its false and sinister double? How can we regain a sense of emotional clarity in our daily communication? To this end, I've created an efficient little abbreviation of my own to designate when someone is actually, physically “laughing out loud.”

ILLOLRTJMSILOLWSWMHCMTSBNATLOL

I Literally Laughed Out Loud Rather Than Just Mindlessly Saying I Laughed Out Loud When Something Was Moderately Humorous Causing Me To Smile But Not Actually To Laugh Out Loud

See? It’s fast and easy. As I have yet to trademark this new invention, feel free to use it until further notice. I hope this clears things up a bit and saves us all a lot of time and confusion.