Dear LOL, GFYS

Texting language is most likely here to stay. But that doesn’t mean that I have to like it. I blame Prince. I may be “Crazy 4 U,” Prince, but I also hold you accountable for all of the nonsense abbreviations and intentional misspellings which are degrading the English language. And yes, I know that I sound like “Old Man Withers” sitting on his porch and yelling at the neighborhood kids for being “too dang rambunctious.”

Out of all of the myriad, obnoxious abbreviations used in emails and text messages, the one most worthy of being dragged to the pillory and beaten has to be “LOL,” which is all but ubiquitous now that people are all aTwitter and aTwatter with their stupid 140 character limits. My main problem with “LOL” is that people love to use it to denote things that are only slightly funny at best:

“Uh oh. Going to be late for school again. LOL!” “My boss is wearing a really ugly tie. LOL!” “I sure hope I win the lottery today. LOL!” “I forgot my umbrella. And now it’s raining. LOL!”

None of these things would make a normal human “laugh out loud.” They probably wouldn’t even elicit a smile.

“LOL” is most commonly invoked as a cheap acknowledgement that the other person has attempted a bit of humor, however lamely. Or that the writer has attempted a bit of humor, however lamely. Or that they’ve encountered a situation that is slightly ridiculous, embarrassing or overwhelming. And yet, “LOL” makes a vainglorious claim about a physiological reaction which, in all likelihood, did not occur. It's all just elaborate shorthand for emotional fraud. And no one likes to be lied to with abbreviations.

How then is one to differentiate between robust and ingenuous "out loud" laughter and its false and sinister double? How can we regain a sense of emotional clarity in our daily communication? To this end, I've created an efficient little abbreviation of my own to designate when someone is actually, physically “laughing out loud.”

ILLOLRTJMSILOLWSWMHCMTSBNATLOL

I Literally Laughed Out Loud Rather Than Just Mindlessly Saying I Laughed Out Loud When Something Was Moderately Humorous Causing Me To Smile But Not Actually To Laugh Out Loud

See? It’s fast and easy. As I have yet to trademark this new invention, feel free to use it until further notice. I hope this clears things up a bit and saves us all a lot of time and confusion.