Ecological One-Upmanship

Thanks to Al Gore’s incessant brow-beating, we all now have to be diligent about reducing our “carbon footprint.” Whatever that is. In this new era of heightened global and political awareness, it's nearly impossible to get laid without evincing some active sympathy for the plight of the environment. Especially those baby polar bears clinging to melting iceberg fragments. Have you seen the photos? Devastating. Baby polar bears are super cute, even though everyone knows that their little hearts are full of murder. Anyway, towards this end, I’ve decided to do my part and buy a kegerator.

For those of you who don’t subscribe to All About Beer Magazine, a kegerator is a small refrigerator which cools and dispenses beer from a keg. It’s clearly the best way to enjoy draft beer from the comfort of one’s home.

Beer is a justifiably popular adult beverage. From Kingston to Kuala Lampur, beer is beloved the world over. Well, maybe not in Qatar. The average U.S. citizen consumes 21.6 gallons of beer per year. That increases to 29 gallons per year if you live in Australia and 41 gallons if you reside in the Czech Republic. That’s a lot of beer. Obviously, much of this beer is stored in bottles and cans which are either thrown away or need to be recycled, a process that requires a substantial expenditure of energy. This increases global carbon emission which, in turn, makes Baby Al Gore cry.

The kegerator provides an elegant solution to this environmental dilemma. Thanks to their sturdy design, kegs can be reused a nearly infinite number of times, requiring only a simple cleaning after each use. If you must continue to drink beer while our Earth is in peril, and I must, confining oneself exclusively to draft beer is the most ecologically sound alternative.

It’s little sacrifices like this that really set one apart in the fiercely competitive game of ecological one-upmanship that all self righteous people must participate in. For instance, when I’m at a party, I will now approach strangers who I see drinking beer from bottles or cans and say, “Oh, you still drink beer from a bottle? Dude, that kind of sucks. Don’t you know how bad that is for the environment?” I will then deliver a short lecture on how their beverage decisions are thoughtless and destructive and then conclude by saying, “So….yeah……you’re welcome.” They might be irritated at first, maybe even violent, but I’m pretty sure that they’ll thank me later. And even though I don’t really understand what carbon is or why it hates our Earth, I can now feel good about myself for helping to save the planet and for being better than other people. Thanks kegerator!

Although our world is getting warmer by the minute, I still expect my beer to be icy cold. You’re welcome, Earth.

You've Been Left Behind

Apparently, the posthumous message delivery industry is getting more competitive by the second. Just when I was starting to get used to the inherent creepiness and inanity of PostExpression.com, here comes You’ve Been Left Behind. At YouveBeenLeftBehind.com, you can leave important messages for your loved ones which will be delivered after you have been taken away by Jesus in the “Rapture.” Their business motto is “Because ‘no one knows the day or hour.’”

This is their mission statement:

"You've Been Left Behind gives you one last opportunity to reach your lost family and friends For Christ. Imagine being in the presence of the Lord and hearing all of heaven rejoice over the salvation of your loved ones. It is our prayer that this site makes it happen."

Huh. I still don’t really get it. Luckily, the website menu has a helpful section simply titled “WHY:”

"Why? We all have friends and family who have failed to receive the Good News of the Gospel. The unsaved will be ‘left behind’ on earth to go through the ‘tribulation period’ after the ‘Rapure.’ [Ed. Note – I too prefer to use air quotes when referring to the ‘Rapture.’] You remember how, for a short time, after (9/11/01) people were open to spiritual things and answers. (We are still singing ‘God Bless America’ at baseballs’ seventh inning stretch.) Imagine how taken back they will by the millions of missing Christians and devastation at the rapture. They will know it was true and that they have blown it. There will be a small window of time where they might be reached for the Kingdom of God. We have made it possible for you to send them a letter of love and a plea to receive Christ one last time. You can also send information based on scripture as to what will happen next. Each fulfilled prophecy will cause your letter and plea to be remembered and a decision to be made. ‘Why’ is one last chance to bring them to Christ and snatch them from the flames!"

Allegedly, the website used to have a section which dealt with the infernal intricacies of post-“Rapture” probate courts:

"You will also be able to give them some help in living out their remaining time. In the encrypted portion of your account you can give them access to your banking, brokerage, hidden valuables, and powers of attorneys' (you won't be needing them any more, and the gift will drive home the message of love). There won't be any bodies, so probate court will take 7 years to clear your assets to your next of Kin. 7 years of course is all the time that will be left. So, basically the Government of the AntiChrist gets your stuff, unless you make it available in another way."

This is a really sensible point. The very same thing happens if you are stranded on an uncharted desert isle for 7 years or more. A court eventually declares you legally dead and out come the vultures to cart away your cherished belongings while you vainly attempt to construct a radio out of coconuts and seaweed. That’s why it’s always best to leave detailed instructions about the disposition of your wealth with a trusted agent or, in this case, a group of anonymous strangers professing to be Christians who run a weird internet business that provides vague promises of "encryption" for your sensitive financial date. You know, in the event of your disappearance, righteous or otherwise. That’s just smart planning.

As great as it all sounds, this business model is clearly not intended for people in my demographic. I’m pretty sure that if the “Rapture” does come, I will be one of the people who have been “left behind.” I believe this for a number of reasons, one of them being that if I were to leave a message for my friends and family on You’veBeenLeftBehind.com, it would probably look something like this: “What’s up now? Guess who loves me more than He loves you? That’s right: JESUS! See you later. Actually, I probably won’t see you later. So long, suckers!” That’s not very Christian.

Being “left behind” is kind of the cosmic equivalent of being picked last for kickball. I imagine that I might feel a little disappointed. Maybe even hurt. That being said, if all of the people who own bumper stickers that say things like “In Case of Rapture, This Car Will Be Unmanned” were to suddenly disappear from the Earth, I would probably be more grateful and relieved than frightened. And then I would steal the cars owned by those people.

Watch: Blondie -"Rapture"