Shining

A well crafted movie preview (or “trailer” as it’s called in “the biz”) can make a bad movie look enticing and make a good movie look dreary and unappealing. This reminds me of that time that the preview for Billy Elliot made me cry. Dance, Billy, dance! I partly blame Enya. Her music is very powerful.

The video trailer below, entitled “Shining,” is a tribute to the magical alchemy of clever editing.


“Shining” was created by Robert Ryang, a Manhattan film editor’s assistant. It was the winning entry for a 2005 film contest sponsored by the New York chapter of the Association of Independent Creative Editors. The contest rules were simple: take any film and make a trailer which casts that film in a different genre. Sound and dialogue could be altered, visual images could not.

And, presto! Stanley Kubrick’s stylistic horror classic (and arguably, one of the few truly successful film adaptations of a Stephen King novel) is transformed into a hilariously moronic tale of a jaded writer and his relationship with a precocious yet vulnerable kid in need of a father figure. About A Boy, Three Men and a Baby, Annie, Kolya, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom…..I love this genre!

I can’t tell what’s more frightening: the evocative terror of The Shining in its original form or the idea that a cinematic masterpiece could so easily be transmogrified into Jerry Maguire style dreck through crafty, selective editing and an overused Peter Gabriel tune. Either way, it's pretty scary. It’s a dark, dark world out there.

All the Presidents' Girls

It’s always kind of weird when Europeans take an intense interest in American history and governance. Take for instance, Alexis de Tocqueville’s On Democracy in America, wherein a curious little Frenchman pokes around the continent for nine months making furtive, creepy comments and predictions about the American form of government in his creepy little notebook. He predicts that the country will be divided by the topic of slavery! A mere twenty years before the Civil War! (Not impressive) He predicts that the United States and Russia will one day be rival superpowers! A full century before it happens! (Very impressive) Sure, On Democracy in America is a classic and is rightly considered one of great contemporary analyses of early U.S. government, but it’s still a bit awkward when people from the old world get all up in our business.

Kind of similar but totally different is English artist Annie Kevans' new exhibition, All the President’s Girls, a series of portraits depicting the various mistresses of the U.S. Presidents. Hands off foreigner, that’s our dirty laundry! The exhibition has been called “mildly offensive” by critics in the U.S. The only thing that I find mildly offensive is that this:













Does not at all resemble this:
An artist with integrity would not have vainly attempted to varnish ugly or unpleasant truths.

I was a bit surprised that the series only features 11 of J.F.K.’s many storied conquests. What about the other 287? I was also surprised by the inclusion of William Rufus deVane King, James Buchanan’s old friend and roommate. Or “roommate,” depending on your interpretation of ambiguous historical evidence. Genocidal cut-up Andrew Jackson allegedly referred to King as “Miss Nancy” and “Aunt Fancy.” What a wit. James Buchanan was the only U.S. President who was unmarried during his tenure in office. He was also the only U.S. President who never married period. On its face, that doesn’t mean anything, but tongues will wag. So what? He preferred the company of men. Who doesn’t?

The only thing about this situation that I find upsetting is that, if we did have a secret gay U.S. President, the person that I don’t want to find it out from is some snarky British art type. You should be ashamed of yourself, Europe. A polite guest does not poke around in other people’s closets, thank you very much.

Dear LOL, GFYS

Texting language is most likely here to stay. But that doesn’t mean that I have to like it. I blame Prince. I may be “Crazy 4 U,” Prince, but I also hold you accountable for all of the nonsense abbreviations and intentional misspellings which are degrading the English language. And yes, I know that I sound like “Old Man Withers” sitting on his porch and yelling at the neighborhood kids for being “too dang rambunctious.”

Out of all of the myriad, obnoxious abbreviations used in emails and text messages, the one most worthy of being dragged to the pillory and beaten has to be “LOL,” which is all but ubiquitous now that people are all aTwitter and aTwatter with their stupid 140 character limits. My main problem with “LOL” is that people love to use it to denote things that are only slightly funny at best:

“Uh oh. Going to be late for school again. LOL!” “My boss is wearing a really ugly tie. LOL!” “I sure hope I win the lottery today. LOL!” “I forgot my umbrella. And now it’s raining. LOL!”

None of these things would make a normal human “laugh out loud.” They probably wouldn’t even elicit a smile.

“LOL” is most commonly invoked as a cheap acknowledgement that the other person has attempted a bit of humor, however lamely. Or that the writer has attempted a bit of humor, however lamely. Or that they’ve encountered a situation that is slightly ridiculous, embarrassing or overwhelming. And yet, “LOL” makes a vainglorious claim about a physiological reaction which, in all likelihood, did not occur. It's all just elaborate shorthand for emotional fraud. And no one likes to be lied to with abbreviations.

How then is one to differentiate between robust and ingenuous "out loud" laughter and its false and sinister double? How can we regain a sense of emotional clarity in our daily communication? To this end, I've created an efficient little abbreviation of my own to designate when someone is actually, physically “laughing out loud.”

ILLOLRTJMSILOLWSWMHCMTSBNATLOL

I Literally Laughed Out Loud Rather Than Just Mindlessly Saying I Laughed Out Loud When Something Was Moderately Humorous Causing Me To Smile But Not Actually To Laugh Out Loud

See? It’s fast and easy. As I have yet to trademark this new invention, feel free to use it until further notice. I hope this clears things up a bit and saves us all a lot of time and confusion.