John Zizka Was Totally Metal

Jan Zizka of Trocnov (1360 – 1424) was totally metal. A follower of Czech reformer Jan Huss, Jan Zizka was a military genius who prevailed against the expansionist tyranny of the Holy Roman Empire. Here is a brief index of his credentials.

First of all, he was a defender of Bohemia. Everyone knows that Bohemia is the land of 1,000 beers. Beer and heavy metal go really well together.

Second, he had only one eye. He is said to have lost it in a fight as a child. That’s really impressive in and of itself. “Zizka” is apparently a nickname meaning “one eye” in Czech. As far as nicknames go, “One-Eyed Jan” is fairly unimpeachable. But it gets better. A year before he died (possibly of the plague, also totally metal), Zizka lost his other eye to an arrow during a siege. Undeterred and completely blind, he continued to command his troops while on horseback in the numerous battles which followed. And he never lost a battle.

Third, although a ferocious general who literally took no prisoners in the heat of combat, Zizka was known to spare the lives of women and children whilst sacking hostile towns and villages. Now, at first blush, this might seem to be the very antithesis of metal. Cobra Kai, the greatest martial arts dojo in the history of cinema, never showed mercy or compassion, and look how awesome they were. However, a deeper (barely) historical analysis vindicates the one-eyed general. At the time, Zizka’s largesse was extremely unusual. It was commonly understood that women and children were fair game. Jan Zizka’s policy of mercy was a reversal of the military traditions of the day. Metal is all about the contravention of tradition and authority.

Last, and most impressively, Zizka’s dying wish was for his officers to remove the skin from his corpse and stretch it into a battle drum upon which his soldiers could pound a martial cadence as they marched victoriously into battle. That’s pretty much the most metal thing that I can conceive of at this moment. You can’t make this stuff up. Or maybe you can. It’s debatable whether the story of Jan Zizka’s dying request is apocryphal or not. In an essay on the human tendency to want things beyond one’s reach, Michel de Montaigne suggested that Zizka’s dead flesh actually was turned into a battle drum. It would a lot cooler if that were true. Does this mean that my surviving relatives aren’t going to explode my ashes into the sky using a giant bottle rocket on Halloween night, per my instructions? Lame.

Bitter, Bitter Tears

Didn’t W.C. Fields say that you should never work with children or animals? Jill Greenberg has been immensely successful working with both. Her photographs of monkeys, bears and children are beautifully hyper-real and at the same time, extremely artificial. As far as I understand, this is largely done with lighting effects and post production digital enhancement. I’m rather partial to her series entitled Monkey Portraits, a weirdly touching study of the facial expressions of monkeys and apes. Awww, they think they’re people. Apparently, Jane Goodall is a big fan. Greenberg clearly enjoys the contrast of posing natural subjects in manufactured environments. Augmenting this sense of unreality, the animals used in Monkey Portraits were all trained “working monkeys” routinely used in film, television and advertising and well accustomed to mugging for the camera. That’s right, Ross’s monkey Marcel from Friends is featured. Greenberg also used trained show business bears for her Ursine series.

The work which has garnered the most attention is End Times, a collection of high gloss portraits of tearful children. I don’t know why, but something about it is really hilarious. Greenberg admitted that she elicited tears from her small models by giving them lollipops and then abruptly snatching them away. Infant coddling Americans were immediately outraged. The blogosphere erupted in scorn and accusation. The term “child abuse” was bandied about quite a lot. Why won’t anyone ever think of the children? I don't get what the big deal was. They eventually got their candy back. God, don’t you just hate bloggers?

Galleries: Monkey Portraits, Ursine and End Times

The Phony King of England

When I was six years old, the most pernicious villain that I could think of was Prince John from Disney’s Robin Hood. Man, did I ever hate that guy. He was greedy, craven, cruel and despotic, the exact opposite of that crafty rogue Robin Hood. Remember when Prince John imprisoned everyone for failing to pay their criminally inflated taxes, even the wizened old owl couple in their tattered clothes and the wee family of mice that were ridiculously chained to an iron ball ten times their size? What a jerk.

The human Prince John was about as competent as his animated counterpart. He lost valuable territory in Normandy, made England a papal fief after a disastrously mismanaged dispute with the Church of Rome and left the nation torn by civil war. This all occurred when he was officially king of England. Unlike the anthropomorphic, thumb-sucking, mommy-issue beset lion, the historical John was never sentenced to hard labor splitting rocks with the Sheriff of Nottingham whilst wearing striped convict uniforms. Nor, as far as we can tell, did he have a know-it-all boa constrictor advisor named Sir Hiss who would say things like, “Yesssss your Majesssssty.” When his brother Richard returned from the Crusades, he pardoned John for attempting to usurp his throne and named him his heir and successor. What a sweet guy. No wonder he was portrayed by a glowy, resplendent Sean Connery in 1991’s Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

Just like in the cartoon, John was crazy for taxes. In order to replenish the royal purse, depleted by a series of failed foreign wars, John heavily taxed the clergy and the barons, which eventually resulted in a rebellion against him. Unsurprisingly, John was forced to acquiesce. The ensuing treaty, later known as the Magna Carta and signed by John under duress, was unprecedented in its definition of monarchy as subordinate to the rule of law. The Magna Carta limited royal powers, guaranteed essential rights, including habeas corpus and due process and served as an important foundation for the U.S Constitution and Bill of Rights. I guess being a colossal putz can sometimes be of great benefit to everyone. Neatly summing of John’s reign, Winston Churchill reflected, “When the long tally is added, it will be seen that the British nation and the English-speaking world owe far more to the vices of John than to the labours of virtuous sovereigns.” Highly optimistic that this paradigm of success through failure will be repeated in U.S. politics, I can’t wait to see what silver lining is in store for us in the aftermath of eight years with another curiously similar leader whose legitimacy and right to rule have also been called into question. Four more wars!

For a realistic portrayal of the havoc and devastation wrought by John's unjust taxation policies, please refer to the short film clip below.

Link: Disney's Robin Hood - Not In Nottingham