You Grow Moustache Too

I’m a big fan of the moustache. Everybody loves a good moustache. From the verdant, unfettered grandeur of Tom Selleck’s Magnum P.I. to the meticulous, pencil-thin sophistication of John Waters, a moustache says a lot about a man.

I’m also a big fan of the non-native expression of the English language. There’s something indefinably charming and invigorating about English as a Second Language. It infuses a certain refreshing chaos into a highly structured (albeit, illogical) language. This is what made “Perfect Strangers” nearly tolerable. However, for some reason, I don’t find these same missteps charming in EFL students. This is why I refuse to listen to the State of the Union address.

I never thought that these two passions would ever converge in an orgy of Venn diagrammatic bliss. Then I stumbled upon “Fast Times At Ridgemont High,” the mostly non-fiction book written by Cameron Crowe which was eventually developed into the film. The book reads like a well observed piece of journalism. This makes sense, as Cameron Crowe had worked as an under-aged journalist for various rock magazines before going undercover as a student at San Diego’s Clairmont High School in preparation for the book. I think that he was trying to reclaim his lost adolescence or something. Anyway, halfway through the book, there’s a scene where a South Korean exchange student reads aloud an essay for his English class. His assignment was to present a convincing argument on the topic of his choice. This excerpt is his presentation:

“I’m going to try to grow a moustache. Because it will be looks nice and more younger person. You grow moustache too. If you grow moustache, I think persons look at you for gentle man and more strong person and people can respect you better than right now. If you have moustache, some people think about you like this, maybe they think you have nice personality and good knowledge. So you try to grow your moustache. I hope you will grow your moustache when I grow my moustache. I think secondly moustache will make you look more solemn. Because man must have solemn. It is a manner of man. If not man look like woman. I think most women like solemn man. I think you should grow the moustache. It will probably improve your sex life and will also make you stand out.”

I wish I had more solemn. If I could somehow find the author of this essay, I would mail him my “Moustache Rides 5 Cents” belt buckle.