You Grow Moustache Too

I’m a big fan of the moustache. Everybody loves a good moustache. From the verdant, unfettered grandeur of Tom Selleck’s Magnum P.I. to the meticulous, pencil-thin sophistication of John Waters, a moustache says a lot about a man.

I’m also a big fan of the non-native expression of the English language. There’s something indefinably charming and invigorating about English as a Second Language. It infuses a certain refreshing chaos into a highly structured (albeit, illogical) language. This is what made “Perfect Strangers” nearly tolerable. However, for some reason, I don’t find these same missteps charming in EFL students. This is why I refuse to listen to the State of the Union address.

I never thought that these two passions would ever converge in an orgy of Venn diagrammatic bliss. Then I stumbled upon “Fast Times At Ridgemont High,” the mostly non-fiction book written by Cameron Crowe which was eventually developed into the film. The book reads like a well observed piece of journalism. This makes sense, as Cameron Crowe had worked as an under-aged journalist for various rock magazines before going undercover as a student at San Diego’s Clairmont High School in preparation for the book. I think that he was trying to reclaim his lost adolescence or something. Anyway, halfway through the book, there’s a scene where a South Korean exchange student reads aloud an essay for his English class. His assignment was to present a convincing argument on the topic of his choice. This excerpt is his presentation:

“I’m going to try to grow a moustache. Because it will be looks nice and more younger person. You grow moustache too. If you grow moustache, I think persons look at you for gentle man and more strong person and people can respect you better than right now. If you have moustache, some people think about you like this, maybe they think you have nice personality and good knowledge. So you try to grow your moustache. I hope you will grow your moustache when I grow my moustache. I think secondly moustache will make you look more solemn. Because man must have solemn. It is a manner of man. If not man look like woman. I think most women like solemn man. I think you should grow the moustache. It will probably improve your sex life and will also make you stand out.”

I wish I had more solemn. If I could somehow find the author of this essay, I would mail him my “Moustache Rides 5 Cents” belt buckle.

Justice Xmas Mix

Justice recently created a mix for the Fabric Live series which, for some reason, was rejected. Too much Gallic pop? An overabundance of well selected disco gems? What did they expect? Is Fabric allergic to pound notes?

Fortunately, Justice and Ed Banger Records decided to release the mix on an extremely limited basis under the title Justice Xmas Mix. It’s really quite stellar, the musical equivalent of gently brushing your face against a sheet of cold, polished chrome or running your tongue against the dull edge of a knife blade. Here's the tracklist:

01 Sparks – Tryouts For The Human Race – Virgin

02 Rondo Veneziano – La Serenissima - Universal

03 Goblin – Tenebrae - Cinevox

04 Daft Punk – Ouverture - Virgin

05 Surkin – Next Of Kin – Institubes

06 Symbolone – Love Juice - SymbolOne

07 Korgis – Everybodys Gotta Learn Sometimes – Angel Air

08 Midnight Juggernauts – Ending Of An Era – Mindight Juggernauts

09 The Paradise Ft Romauld – In Love With You – Vulture

10 Justice – TTHHEE PPAARRTTYY (Acapella) – Ed Banger

11 Chic – Everybody Dance – Atlantic

12 Frankie Valli – Who Loves You – Warners

13 Das Pop – Underground – Das Pop

14 Julien Clerc – Quand Je Joue – EMI

15 Daniel Balavoine – Vivre Ou Survivre – Barclay

16 Richard Sanderson – Reality - Barclay

17 Zoot Woman – Grey Day – Wall Of Sound

18 Fucking Champs – Thor Is Like Immortal – Drag City

19 The Rave – Mother – The Rave

20 Fancy – You Never Know - Fancy

21 Frank Stallone – Far From Over - Universal

22 Sheila – Misery – Warners

23 Todd Rundgren – International Feel - Warners

I'm really excited about the inclusion of the Goblin track, which is from the soundtrack of the Dario Argento italo-horror film of the same name. That guy was a real pioneer. Also, what a perfect pseudonym for a composer who predominately scored horror films.

Of equal or greater worth is the song “Far From Over” from the “Staying Alive” soundtrack, which Frank Stallone both penned and performed. His brother Sylvester directed the film, but I think I know who the real talent in the family is. Although I’ve never seen “Staying Alive,” which is the sequel to “Saturday Night Fever,” I’m pretty sure that this scorcher of a song was used in some way in a montage: a choreography training montage, an exercise montage, whatever. Even “Rocky” had a montage. All I know is that this song makes me want to wear a headband, drink Tab soda and do 285 wind-sprints. Fist-pumping anthems like this only come around once every year and a half. It's fairly apparent that Frank Stallone owned 1983. Enjoy.

Download (courtesy of URB Magazine): Justice Xmas Mix

The Real Master of Reality

As Christian rock bands go, Black Sabbath was one of the best. At least they were when Ozzy was the lead singer. Have you ever bothered to really listen to their lyrics? Take, for instance, the song “After Forever” from Master of Reality. Here’s the opening salvo:

Have you ever thought about your soul

can it be saved?

Or perhaps you think that when you’re dead
you just stay in your grave.

Is God just a thought within your head
or is he a part of you?

Is Christ just a name that you read in a book
when you were in school?

Harnessing the power of a really awkward rhyme scheme, they seem oddly intent on making the listener feel guilty about: 1.) not being more reflective about the afterlife, 2.) being glibly philosophical about the Christian godhead, and 3.) not having a close personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Thanks for the bring down and the superior attitude, Black Sabbath.

But they’re not done:

Could it be you ‘re afraid of what your
friends might say

If they knew you believe in God above

They should realize before they criticize

That God is the only way to love.

Is your mind so small that you have to fall

In with the pack wherever they run

Will you still sneer when death is near

And say they may as well worship the sun.

Are they calling me a peer pressured pussy? Not everyone can be a valiant prayer warrior like Geezer Butler or Ozzy Osbourne. And did they really think that I was going to accept a lecture on peer pressure from a band that wrote the 4th greatest marijuana anthem of all time, “Sweet Leaf,” which incidentally appears right before “After Forever” on Master of Reality? And is Black Sabbath preaching love here? The same band that brought forth from the abyss such juggernaut mega-hits as “Iron Man” and “War Pigs”? They might as well have written a song about a giant, mythological kitten whose thundering purr makes the flowers bloom. Black Sabbath, I feel like I hardly know you. It all ends with:

Perhaps you’ll think before you say that
God is dead and gone

Open your eyes, just realize that he’s the one

The only one who can save you now from
all this sin and hate

Or will you still jeer at all you hear
Yes! I think its too late.

All in all, this is a completely satisfying conclusion to the song, if only for the reason that it deviates so wildly from pretty much all other Christian rock songs. Most Christian rock songs are focused in some way upon praising God. Black Sabbath take the opposite route; they’re here to demonstrate how much of a asshole you are because you’re not praising God. I would suggest that they were subverting the genre here if they weren’t its architects to begin with.

Despite writing a straight ahead Christian rock song, Black Sabbath is still Black Sabbath, and they leave very little room for hope or redemption for the hapless unbeliever. They take a fairly solid, “Oh? You don’t believe in God? Well, fuck you then!” kind of stance. That’s totally metal. Metal is all about aggression and brutality. I guess that there’s nothing more brutal than the idea of an eternity of excruciating torture in the fires of Hell.

In the end, who exactly is the “Master of Reality” from Master of Reality? I always thought that it was a really powerful wizard or a guy with a magical bong. Was it Jesus this entire time? Why is the answer always Jesus?

Human......Robot

Here's an enjoyably long Daft Punk inteview from VBS.tv in which the good robots discuss their creative process, the interplay between music and visual art and the making of their new film, Electroma.

Download: Daft Punk Scion interview with VBS

The Toughest Flags From Around the Globe

Are you fucking kidding me with this flag, Mozambique? So bold, so aggressive, so pugnacious, yet well composed with a pleasing color scheme. Are you trying to turn me on? I think that I might be too impressed to be intimidated. I give you big points for putting a Kalashnikov (AK-47) rifle right up there in the left hand corner. Even most of the girls that I know think that this is an awesome machine gun with a lot of stopping power. Remember that part in Jackie Brown when Ordell, Samuel L. Jackson’s character, says "Ah! The AK-47! When you absolutely have to kill every motherfucker in the room, accept no substitute!"? That was awesome. And true. That’s a really good movie, by the way, Mozambique, if you haven’t seen it. I think that it is very underrated and deserved to do much better at the box office.

A lot of flags just mess around, coyly insinuating their supremacy, but never come right out and admit that they will calmly shoot you in the face without blinking if you try to mess with them. Not you, Mozambique. You don’t mince words, do you? And then you go and coup de grace it off with an amazing bayonet affixed to the rifle. A lot of people might say that this is overkill, but not me. This is by far the stabbiest flag that I have ever seen. I think that I just took a bayonet….to the heart. Seriously, Mozambique, do you think that I could get your phone number?

But you’re not all just banana clips and explosions, are you Mozambique? You also believe in hard work and the agrarian ideal, as illustrated by the farming implement. That’s a hoe, right? And just when I think I have you figured out, you show me yet another side of your complicated personality. Is that a book I see in the foreground? How many flags have books on them? How much have you ever learned from stupid stars or stripes? That’s right, nothing. Books are awesome. Hey Mozambique, I like reading too! I think that we might have a lot in common. Were you also freaked out when Oprah picked Cormac McCarthy’s The Road for her book club, like she’s suddenly all into violent, post apocalyptic dystopia novels, like she invented it or something? That’s weird. That was our thing.

Anyway Mozambique, unless I come across another flag in the next few weeks that’s emblazoned with the image of a shark riding a rampaging elephant, chomping and trampling it’s way to freedom, your flag is definitely my favorite flag of the year. Here’s to you in 2008.